It's been almost two months since the incident with Albert, and yet I still catch myself thinking about him. I was just talking to Shannon today and we both came to the conclusion that guys will only treasure those they they work hard to get. I keep thinking about whether Albert and I would've gone further if I had taken things more slowly. I made myself too available after all, and after all of it I'm still unclear as to whether I really like him or not. I guess I did to some extent, he made me feel very special that night that's for sure. He's a sweet talker even though he looks like a nerd, he really knows what to say to make a girl feel special. "If you're unreasonable then I have no reason...", "You really don't think you're beautiful?", "You have really beautiful eyes...", "Stop smiling or else you'll make even more guys fall in love with you..." His words just won't get out of my head no matter what I do. I can't block it out, do I want him because I can't have him? Shannon asked me if he were to ask me out right now would I go out with him...I'd have to say that I'd say yes, I feel so desperate and cheap but I'd still say yes, does this mean that I like him? I want him so much that I've gone to the point of being obsessive for awhile, always checking his blog to see what he's up to, checking his pictures so I could look at him, I went to badminton because he was there. There's just no happy ending for this, it's gone to the point where it's unhealthy for me. But he seemed so perfect...musical talent, intelligence, beautiful body and face...the only draw back was his lack of skills in bed, but he was a virgin which made it pretty damn sexy. I have to try and get him out of my head, at least I won't be seeing him around campus anymore. I feel like I've lost (thought Shannon says I didn't) but to what or whom I don't know. I don't think I've ever fallen in love with anyone, and I think after this event I've turned into a girl that doesn't believe in love. If a guy likes me and I return the feelings only because he has feelings for me, I'll end up hurting them because in the end I'll lose feelings. I don't want to do what I did to Andy to anyone ever again. But similarly, if I were to like a person and he returned my feelings only because of my feelings then I would end up getting hurt. I don't want that...I'm scared...yet this is what makes love exciting, yet I'm not willing to take the risk. Does that mean I won't get find true love? I read countless amounts of fairytale mangas and watch anime where a girl/boy who doesn't believe in love will come across their soulmate and discover what love really is. Will that ever happen to me? Since the last two months have been such a soap opera for me, will the day I discover love be like a soap opera also?
